Chapter 17 – Bill

Hello readers,

*** Warning Mild Drug use in this chapter and the next chapter as well. If you don’t like that kind of thing now is the time to skip this chapter. ***

Now on with the story:

Chapter 17:

Suddenly there is a large ruckus coming from the hallway, we all turn our attention to the doors, as they where instantaneously thrown open. In walks an odd looking group, comprised of 5 Virginal looking women dressed in white Greek gowns. They take up point on either side of the door way. Once in place, an ancient looking vampire, practically glades through the door, although it looks as if, it takes great effort for her to move, at her age. Her face is withered with fine lines, that only living a long human life can give you. Her eyes are completely white, with no visible pupil or irse, but some how, she still seems able to see. She turns her head as if taking in the room and then focusing dead on me.

All the vampires in the room, instantly drop to their knees on the floor kneeling, at the mere sight of her. Even the Weres in the room kneel to her. I look around at everyone in awe and wonder who this lady is, to command such respect from everyone present in room.

“You may rise.” She says, while motioning with her hands.

“Your excellently, you honor us with your presence.” The Queen state with a humility I did not know she actually possessed.

“I am not to here to see you child. I have had visions of this one.” She says raising a withered finger in my direction. I look behind me to make sure she is actually pointing at me and not some one standing behind me.

“Me?” I say in shock. Why would she come to see me?

“Yes, my dear, you. My visions of what you will do tonight, have been more entertaining than anything I have seen in thousands of years. I had to come and bare witness to it myself, first hand, in the flesh.”

Everyone looks perplexed about what could be so interesting, that the Ancient Pythoness would come all the way, from her home, where ever that may be to observe it.

The doors suddenly open again and a bunch of the Queen’s Weres carry in a elaborate throne and set it up against a long wall in the middle of the room. The Ap walks to her throne and sits down regally. Her handmaidens surround her, sitting at her feet.

Everyone in the room is still staring at her, waiting to see what she will do next.

“Proceed as if I am not here.” The Ap orders, while watching us all, as if we were her favorite reality TV show.

“Shit a brick, Sook, whos in the Heellls is that bitch?” Laf whispers in a state of wonder. His mouth is hanging open so wide, that I am surprised that he is not drooling all over himself.

“Shhh. We will talk about it later.” Pam snaps at Laf. He nods in agreement, that now is not the time.

I see Laf changing mental gears.

“All right thens. Wells, I ams gets boreds out my ever lovens, muthur fuckins minds. I thinks I want to cash in my fun Sookie ticket.”

“WHAT? When? You can’t be serious Laf. I gave you ticket as a gift, not for you to use it to get me killed! Now is not the time!”

” Yes, right mother fuck nows! Bitch please? What is wrongs with us’s havens a little bits of fun tonight?”

“What is this Fun Sookie ticket?” Eric inquires, for everyone at the table. They all look interested in learning what a Fun Sookie ticket is.

“Wells sees, this crazy ass Bitch, is suchs a goody two shoes, that she refuses to smoke the chronic with my happy ass. Plus we are some broke muthur fuckers, so we make each others Bday gifts. So I tolds her happy ass, a few years ago that for mys birthdays, I wanted her to smoke some Mary Jane with me, as my gift. Face it Home girls, you need a vacation in yous minds! Anyways, instead she gave me this “Fun Sookie ticket”. Laf pulls out 5 fun Sookie tickets. Eric takes one and looks it over.

“It says, I could cashs ins this muthur fuckers, whens evers the hells I wants. Then her bitch ass has to smokes some of this shitz with me.” Laf takes one of the tickets and wavys it around in the air, showing it to everyone, as if it was a winning lottery ticket.

“Yes, I gave you the tickets, but now is not the time Laf. I doubt these vamps would want to put up with me, when I am running around, reliving my childhood, by watching cartoons and acting like I have no common sense.”

“You thinks she is entertains nows? Yous ain’t seen nothing yets! This bitch is hold’n back, she is off the chain when she smokes this shit.”

“Actually Lover, I would like to see you let go like that. Even if it is just this once. Plus you gave him the ticket. It is a binding contract. It is up to him when he cashs it.”

I huff and stomp my foot.

“Fine! You Asshole, I will smoke that crap with you, OK!”

“Bitch please, you know you will like”

“Jackass” Everyone watches us sling insults back and forth as if it was a tennis match.

“Pollyanna skank bitch!”


“Goodie twos shoes!”

“Ass pirate”

“Whats the hells? Ass Pirate? Bitch please! What the fucks does that even means, fucking Bitch ass Cracker!”

“Anal Astronaut.” I yell out with out thinking. The Vampires are looking amused at our back and forth name calling.

“Mmm. I like that shit! Ands you knows, Lala loves to go wheres no mans gones befores!” I blush. I did not think he would come out with that come back.

“Shit Bitch you gonna haves to tries harders than that! I knows you were the worlds oldest virgins and all, but yous have to do better that that shiz!”

“Fine you asked for it! Village people reject! And how the fuck can I be a skank and the worlds oldest virgin, at the same time? That makes absolutely no sense.”

“Village people reject? Heys now, that shit was below the belts! Bitch, yous nows hurts my feelings. You knows hows bads I wanted to join the news Village people group! I practiced my moves for weeks for that shit.” Laf jumps up and starts showing off his moves. The vampires smirk at him. It is pretty funny seeing him jump and start humping the air like that.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have tried out for the cowboy and the motorcycle guy. I think you would have been better chance as the construction worker or the police man.”

“Shit, I look Hots as mother fucking hells in the cowboy hat. I don’t know why they didn’t pick my black ass.”

“There, there, I am sure you would have made an awesome cowboy for the village people. Really Laf, it is their loss not yours.” I roll my eyes.

“Don’t yous knows it.” He smirks at me.

“You tried out for the village people? Wasn’t that a band in the 70’s?” Harold says, joining our conversation.

“Ya’s, but the orginals mother fuckers wheres too damns olds to go on tour, so they were looking for new members to remake the groups.”

“Oh, well that is interesting.”

“Yes’um. Its woulds have beens a really sweets gig too.” Laf gets a far off look in his eyes. Pam and Eric are just shaking there heads.

“Did you bring the things I like to do when I smoke?”

“Bitch please.”

“So you packed my painting stuff, three rubix cubes, my ipod, the portable boom box, my ice skates, Romantic Comedies and Cartoon DVDs and all my other stuff?

“Yes, have you forgot whos yous talkings too? I broughts all smoking shit with me. I gots Beavis and Butthead, Monty pathon, Meet the Fockers 1 and 2 and My Bigs Fats Greeks Wedding. We set bitch.”

“How about chocolate. I can’t smoke that without a large amount of chocolate.”

“Yes, I gots brownie’s mixs, Dove bars and a whole lots of yummy shit pack.” Laf says as he starts getting annoyed with me asking.

“And you won’t let me do anything too crazy.”

“Honey childs, don’t Laffy always takes care of you?”

“Humm. True…. Did you call the lawyer and alert him we might need him to bail us out?” The Vampires look shocked at this. I don’t think they really know what they are in for.

“Don’t I always?”

“Huphf. Ok. But we will have to go outside so we don’t stink up the Queens house with the smell.”

“Sures, I ams downs with that’s. Anys ones wants to smoke with us?” Laf asks as we both stand, to walk out. He pull a large bag out of his pocket, with a few blunts and a pipe.

“No need to go out side. We can retreat to the smoking lounge.”

“Thank you, your Majesty.” The weres reappear as if by magic, to move the Ap’s chair. The Queen leads us all to her smoking lounge.

“So you ready bitch, this is some strong shitz.”

“I am as ready as I will ever be.” Taking a deep breath. This is the last thing I imagined, when I was thinking about what would happen on this trip.

“Hows abouts you nerd boy, you gone fire one ups with us?”

“Uh… no thanks. I need to keep a clear head.”

“Your loss.” Laf lights the blunt takes a hit and passes it to Sookie.

I take the blunt and sigh. I take a hit and almost cough up a lung. I should have never given Laf those tickets. Nothing I can do about it now, except learn from it and never give him one as a gift again. I sigh.

I pass it back to Laf. He takes a large hit and coughs.

Chapter 18 >>> No new chapters at this time


6 thoughts on “Chapter 17 – Bill

  1. Very funny story so far. With some solid editing, both for spelling and grammatical issues, plus a rewrite of Laf’s words to make them less racially offensive, your story will be even more enjoyable. I can’t wait to see how you handle the Magister and Queen Sophie-Anne.

  2. Just finished reading the available chapters of story. Having fun with the OTT Sookie, she is very amusing. Her inventive punishments for Bill to endure bought a smile or five. Your Eric & Sookie action is well written, bringing much delight to this reader. Hoping that you haven’t abandoned this story & you will update it some time soon. 🙂

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