“Now for your punishment for the death of my Gran. I know that you did not technically kill my Gran. But if you had a not gotten involved with me, she would still be alive. 2. If you followed protocol and reported to your Sheriff, like you were suppose to, my Gran would not have been killed. If your Sheriff knew that Fangbangers in his area were being killed, for associating with vampires, he could have looked into it. Then found the killer before he could kill anyone else. 3. If you took a few minutes and smelled the body or the crime scene of the victims you might have found out the killer was Rene and glamoured the police into looking at him as a suspect. Either way my Gran would not have been killed, in such a horrible way. She did not deserve that. She was a strong, independent woman with a heart of gold who died because of you.” I look at Bill will all the hate I can muster.
“It was not my fault Sookah! Eric would not have done anything! I was not allowed to intervene in human affairs in his area! I was under orders from the Queen to get you to her, as fast as possible! That did not allow me to look for Serial killers!”
“Sophie Ann, do not think it escaped my notice, that you sent Compton to acquire the Telepath through illegal means. You will pay Ms Stackhouse $1,000,000 dollars in restitution for the damage you have cause. If I find out about any other cases of you acquiring humans in this manner, I will have your crown. Do I make myself clear?” Magister states. Sophie Ann looks pissed, she nods while giving Bill a death glare.
“If I was informed of Fangbangers in my area being killed, for merely associating with Vampires, I would have investigated it, Compton. It is my area and my response ability. We would not want human’s death blamed on Vampires. Instead you walk into my bar with Miss Stackhouse asking questions, without explaining why you wanted the information.”
“I was unaware of this. You with held critical information from your Sheriff, in pursuit of a human?”
“I was ordered to, by the Queen!”
“If I hear one more excuse about the Queen from your mouth Compton, I will remove your tongue!”
“I will issue your punishment for this offense, once Sookie is finishes handing out her punishments to you.” Bill nods in an afraid manner.
“So as a punishment for my Gran’s death, I want the remains of your human family and their head stones moved from the grave yard on my property. I also want your headstone removed as well. This way I can visit my parents and Gran without running into you. This will also take away another reason for you to lurk near my home.”
I look around the court. To figure out who I should address this request to. I stop on the Magister. He nods.
“I want them moved to a graveyard in Seattle, Washington. It is far away from me, plus Bill lived there for a long time, so it is like a second home to him. It should be a fitting place to bury his family.”
“What no! Sookah! You can not move my wife and children! This is an out rage.”
“Well, you should have thought about that before you started a false relationship with me, that got my Gran killed. If you can’t handle the time, don’t do the crime.”
Bill mutters to himself.
“Now for his next punishment. Laf could you go ahead and cast the spells on him we spoke of.”
“Sure Hooker, it ain’t no thing, but a chicken wing on a string from Burger King.”
“I didn’t know Burger king sold chicken wings.” Harold states.
“Player they don’t. It’s an expression, get with the programs?”
“Hm.. ok.” Harold responds.
Laf gets his supplies together for the spell and pours a circle of salt.
“Will it interfere with the spell if I speak while you complete it?”
“Not as long as you keeps your sexy ass out of the circle, all will be copacetic.”
“Ok, well Laf is casting some spells on Bill, I will tell you what they do. Every time Bill speaks my name or Eric’s name he will be struck by lightning. Every time he has a sexual thought about me, it will cause him to have Fang dysfunction for a week. If he comes with in 100 feet of me, the spell will cause him to have erectile dysfunction for a month.”
“I am going to get struck with lightning, when I say your name? Sookah! Erectile dysfunction and Fang dysfunction? You can not allow this Sookah!”
“That is a brilliant idea! I wonder how much Laf charges? Maybe I could use his service on a few designers, when they want to use disgusting fabrics in their lines.” Pam says.
“Was this your idea?” Asks the Queen, she almost sound giddy.
“No, actually this was all Laf’s idea. He told me about it on the phone the other day! I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread!”
“Sliced bread. I was unaware that it was such a great invention.” States Eric.
“Well, it is really hard to cut bread into even slices.” Eric looks unmoved by this information. Hey, it’s not like the man eats bread.
Laf finishes his chanting.
“Its done Hooker. Bill should be fully covered by the spell now.”
“Sookah! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I got hit by lightning! Sookah ! S…to..pp AAAAH! Th.. is!… This is cruel and unusual punishment, Magister!”
“You think that is cruel and unusual, you have seen nothing yet Bill. Just wait till it is my turn.” The Magister says in an unsympathizing tone.
“No the spells aren’t one of your punishments. They are just a reward for being the annoying fuck, which is you!”
“Are you sure she is not part Vampire, Sheriff.”
“Yes quite sure, although I agree she has the right temperament for vampirism.”
I give Eric the hairy eye-ball for talking about making me a vampire. He sees it and shrugs at me.
“The next punishment is for Bill lying to me over and over and just basically acting like a huge weenie. Which is kinda ironic since his dick is so small. Maybe he is over compensating?… Anyway. Since he is such a weenie she should feel right at home when he is working at the at the Weenie hut, for a period of time no shorter than one month. You will wear the classic Weenie hut hat on your head and you will wear it at all times when working. You are not allowed to glamour anyone, during your shift. We will be watching you via Web camera and posting the video to vamp Utube. Just think Bill, you will get to spend a luxuriating 8 hours a night surrounded by human food, taking human orders, while wearing a giant weenie on your head and a uniform, previous worn by a sweaty teenager. All the while saying to every customer, “Welcome to the Weenie Hut, home of the world-famous Weenie, may I take your order”! I know you will just love it.”
“Sookah! AAAAAAAAAAAh! You can’t make me work there! You know I can not stand human food! And those outfits are undignified!”
“The Weenie hut! That is a fitting job for Compton, since he always acts like such a weenie!” Pam laughs and Eric joins her.
“Lover, have I ever told you how much I appreciate the way your mind works!” Eric grabs me and puts a kiss on my neck.
“Don’t worry Bill I have three more punishments for you.”
The next punishment is for cheating on me and for you lack of people skills. So to learn these skills you will spend one month, strapped into a chair, in such a way, that it will not burn you. And since you claim to be “main streaming”, you will be given two true bloods per day, via a beer hat that will be worn on your head. This chair will be in a blank, white room, pointed at a TV, forcing you to watch it. The TV will be only be allowed to show Children’s educational programing. You will watch all the shows and regale us with their songs, here in court, when your punishment is complete. If you don’t know all the songs, you will spend more time in the chair until you do. I just can’t wait for you to sing to us the Dora the Explorer song or tell us how to get Swiper to stop swiping. Maybe Pam can get you the outfit to wear. I know you would just love that!”
“You know I love anything that involves shopping and spending Eric money!” I can almost see Pam making plans in her head.
“Thanks Pam! I knew I could count on you!”
“Bill, you will also be watching, the Wiggles, The Wonder Pets, Wow Wow Wabbzy, Oobi and Barney the big purple dinosaur. It has been know to drive healthy adults insane, with their catchy songs, little dances and over the top cheerfulness. I am sure you will just love it!”
“This is a punishment?” The Queen looks intrigued.
“Oh yes, it will be quite torturous for him and will drive him crazy. All the characters speak to you like you are an idiot and then sing annoying, catchy songs. It is almost, not quite, but almost, more annoying then Bill is and that is really saying a lot.” Eric nods as if taking notes.
“For his next punishment, I was thinking that since Bill loves to feel the “love” and force it on others, that he would do a great job at being “The Vampire Bear Hugger”. A brand new show on Animal Planet channel.” The famous animal rights activist and known bear hugger Timothy Treadwell was killed a few years back by a bear, he had hugged. Ever since he died, there has been a huge gaping hole, in animal rights community that needs to be filled. Who better to spread the love, hugging bears then you Bill?
“No Sookah! AAAAAAAAAH! I can’t hug bears on TV! They are dirty, smelly creatures and they might tear me to shreds! Not to mention what other Vampires will think of me hugging bears!
“All the vampires that have ever met you, don’t respect you Bill. So this will not change anything in their eyes! I don’t care if you don’t want to do it, that is what makes it a fitting punishment!
“But Sookah! AAAAAAAAAAAH! I really need to stop saying her name so much!”
“Just think Bill, you are just perfect for the job. You don’t care if others don’t want to be touched by you or to be near you, you force it on them anyway. You are Vampire, so you can defend yourself, if one of the bears attacks you or you could quickly run away at vamp speed to save yourself. Don’t worry, I am allowing you to bring donors with you or you can carry a cooler full of donor blood, just in case. Mr. Treadwell, a mere human, did this job for years, without getting injured, until his untimely death. You will be fine. So your punishment, is to raise awareness and funds for the bears. You are going to single handily save the bears from extinction, for future generations.”
“That is a brilliant punishment my dear. Plus it will help the AVL to change our image among the masses. Bravo!”
“Thank you Magister.” I say with a proud air.
“And Bill you must hug every bear in North America. Including Polar bears and the ones living in zoos. And I do mean Every Bear Bill.”
“How will you know Lover, if he has indeed hugged every bear and not just the same one over and over?”
“Well Billy boy here, is going to tag each bear he hugs with a tracking device for Bear researchers. Or at least the ones that aren’t already tagged. These devices are used to track their movements and numbers. Each bear has a unique number so he will write them all down in his log book. In conjunction with the video evidence, it will prove if he hugged a different bear each time. Don’t forget to hug the cubs as well.” Everyone laughs.
“I hear Mama bears is quite aggressive, so I would be careful if I was you!” I laugh again.
“Once you have completed your list of bears, I will contact a friend of mine with Bear research association. He can confirm Bills list, by checking each bears tracking device against Bill’s log, to verify the truth of each hug.”
“Congratulations Bill on your new career on TV.” I clap. All the vampires are laughing at him.
Bill is mutters to himself, but wisely leaves my name out of it.
“For my last and final punishment, is for Bill humiliating me. This punishment is another TV show. “Vampire Bill the Restroom Remodeler” a new show on the DIY channel. This show will follow Bill as he goes from Gas Station to Gas Station fixing and remodeling public restrooms. On each show he will remodel a different bathroom, himself, by hand, with Bob Vila. There is a problem in this country, with gas station restrooms being dirty, small and in a state of disrepair. You will spend your time when not hugging bears, fixing this problem.”
“Sookah! AAAAAAAAAAH! You want me to remodel public restrooms! With Bob Vila? He looks crazy! And Gas Station restrooms are disgusting. I will not step foot in one of those! The smell alone!” Bill shutters in disgust at the idea.
“Well now you know how I feel, when I am force to be near you!”
“Well if you don’t like it I am sure the Magister will come up with something more fitting for your punishment.”